Humans love drama. We like to take small things and make them big. We like to tell stories. We like to exaggerate, amplify, and magnify. When bad things happen to us in life, we ruminate, wallow, and sit in it. You likely know someone who is still telling the story of how they were wronged, how they got slighted, or how the world conspired against them. It may have been 30 years ago, but they still tell the story like it was yesterday. It’s likely, according to them, why they can’t move on, why they drink, eat, or smoke so much, struggle financially, can’t trust anyone, or are imprisoned in this cursed life.
When we look back on a bad time in our life…when we think about a time when we were taken advantage of, hurt, or truly let down, or even simple moments when we feel life just hasn’t been fair…there is a critical step we can take to free ourselves from the anger, resentment, and frustration.
There are three questions that we can ask when pondering the effect a situation will have, not just on your day, but potentially the rest of your life. There is defining what it is that happened. To keep things simple, I’ll use weather as an example. Today, we awoke to three inches of snow. Not many people expected it, most were surprised by it, and almost none were happy with it. So, the “what” in this example is that we got hit with our first snowy day. It is cold, I had to scrape my car, and warmer weather appears to officially be gone.
Most people in the Midwest will moan and groan about this. Can you believe it snowed? I hate snow? Why do we live here? It just isn’t fair! This brings us to the second question… So what? You mean it snowed? Oh my! (said sarcastically.) Ok… it snowed. We get snow in Northeast Ohio. It is the beginning of November. Roads were not closed, schools were not closed, nobody was hurt, and we have vehicles that are heated. So, it snowed. It is what it is.
The third question is the most important. Now that we know what it is, that we are not exempt from things like it, we must ask… Now what? How you choose to react… the meaning you give that event… and how you define what has happened is completely up to you. And it will determine the impact it has on your day, your mood, the way you interact with others, likely your productivity, and possibly the trajectory of your life (depending on the severity of the event).
Today, most patients complained about the weather. One person said they weren’t going to go anywhere the rest of the day. Some were resenting living in Ohio. Some said they hate cold weather and snow. These were all choices people made in regards to how they were going to let the fact that it snowed three inches dictate their state of being. Then, in came a woman. I said, “What’s new, besides the snow?” Her response… “Isn’t it just beautiful? The way the trees are covered. I just love it. And the blue skies, with the sun shining between the clouds. So pretty.” Same day… same weather… DIFFERENT response.
It’s that third question that makes all the difference. No matter what it is, how significant the event, how harsh the hit, blow, or loss, how you answer that so, so, so important question will shift your path. We get pounded with negative emotions and stifling feelings when choosing to define events as being all bad. By choosing to see those same events in a different, more positive light, we not only liberate ourselves from the shackles of negativity, but open ourselves up to growth, experience, and expanded opportunities to be a better human being and to help more people.
So, do we long for tragedy? Do we seek pain? Do we jump up and down with excitement when life delivers us a bad deal. Of course not. But as humans, we have to know that with life comes loss. Cars break down, it rains and snows sometimes, we get unfairly passed over for promotions, people lie to us, cheat, and steal, and things we love and cherish wear out or go away.
That’s what… So what… Now what? Now what??? I’ll ask one more time… Now what?