Our minds are super quick to judge. Judging others is likely rooted in our insecurity, as critiquing the behaviors, looks, and status of others makes us feel better about ourselves. But we also judge to help us remain safe, better adapt to our environment, and improve how we communicate with those around us.
Judging, like most human behaviors, is instinctual and subconscious. We do it without even realizing we are doing it. And like most of our behaviors that occur mostly on a subconscious level, it helps to step back and take a look at how it is serving us or harming us in daily life.
Our tendency to judge others usually occurs quickly and without context or facts. We often know very little about the person, place, thing, or scenario that we are tearing apart. And without all the facts or having much background information, our assessments end up far different, and much more inaccurate, than if we had the whole story.
Imagine seeing a painting on the wall of a friend’s house that you thought was not very good. You see it and wonder how they came to choose that particular painting. The color scheme doesn’t mesh well, the image is very plain, and it doesn’t look very professional. Then you come to find out that it was created by your friend’s child. Your harsh judgement of that painting instantly gets rocked. Knowing that a child created it shifts you from thinking it is a poorly done work, to being impressed that a child that age could produce such art. And even if you still aren’t impressed, you immediately understand why it would be hanging on the wall of your friend’s home. Having more information and a better context hugely impacts our judgement.
Our most important judgement is that of others. We are always judging the people around us. It’s natural and important to do so, especially with new encounters, as our safety and success depends on it. And our judgment of others can change as we learn more over time.
Personally, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I believe that most people are doing a pretty good job with the tools that they have been given. Their beliefs, behaviors, and character are mostly the result of how they were raised, who they’ve been surrounded by, and their personal life experiences. I think if we knew about the life story of those that we are most critical of, their actions would make much more sense.
If you saw a deck on the back of a house that you thought looked poorly built, your critique pf that deck might change if you had more information. Your harsh criticism of the rough edges, the not-so-squared corners, the poor quality wood, and the small size of the deck would likely change if you found out that the builder had no access to power tools, could only afford so much wood, could only buy the lowest quality wood, and was physically handicapped. Your impression of that deck might go from ridicule to awe knowing that the builder had only so many tools and resources to work with.
The same goes for the people in your life. Most are doing a pretty good job considering the tools and resources they have been given. A person raised in a disastrous home environment will surely carry some less than ideal behaviors and traits through life. Knowing that someone has had limited tools to work with might help explain why they behave the way they do now.
That person that you think is a disaster might just be doing the best they can, based on the tools and resources they have had. Their annoying, frustrating, and confusing way of making their way in the world might make a lot more sense if we understood more of what led them to be that way.
We will always judge. And some people are a mess that have no real excuse and might seem worthy of harsh and ongoing judgement. But it’s worth taking a moment and using some of that judgement on ourselves to ensure we are giving those closest to us a fair shake.
Since we can never know the whole story, maybe we give people that benefit of the doubt more often, and assume that their shortcomings are the result of their life experiences, and that they are actually doing a pretty good job with what they were given.
